Real Love is a Conscious Choice

IMG_2777Before discovering the true meaning of love, I treated it as this elusive entity in my life. Like I was a fishing pole and if I waited long enough, I’d catch love. This pattern of thinking consumed me. I’d hold on to whatever I catch for as long as I could no matter how unhappy and toxic of a person I become. My incapacity to love myself and lack of imagination for the love that I want in my life played a big role on the choices I made. It also did not help that my ideals were influenced greatly by romcom movies I’ve seen from my early years.

I made unconscious choices for most of my relationships or lack thereof, which only resulted in terrible misjudgments and created more confusion in my life. Who is the entity that participates when we are on autopilot? I was looking in all the wrong places and attracting other energies that did not mesh well with mine.

I felt a thirst that nothing or no one else could quench. It was maddening.

Somehow luck never leaves our side even when we’ve given up because we messed up so many times. It sticks and cheers us on silently, waiting for the right time to surprise us.

“I will be waiting here,
For your silence to break.
For your soul to shake.
For your love to wake.”

Love found me when I least expected it.

My husband and I met at the workplace. I had no idea that this person whom I’ve been emailing work related stuff with, exchanging “hi”, “hello”, “good morning”, “have a good evening” for 6 months, is the person whom I’ll be sharing the rest of my life with. Looking at him from the outside, all I know is that he’s got a great sense of humor and he carries a seriousness in his overall personality. One day, he asked me to go for a walk with him and I said yes. That was the beginning of our journey together and the beginning of the many yeses I will say to him. For the first time in my life I felt that thirst being quenched. It’s so rejuvenating that I keep wanting more. Our first walk was followed by many many walks, sunrises, and sunsets in LA. We have been inseparable since.

I remember walking underneath the palm trees of LA streets when we were getting to know one another. That first walk that turned into many…How many of our secrets do they know?

We got married in the late summer of 2011. It was just us and the judge who pronounced us man and wife. I didn’t mind that it wasn’t the wedding I had imagined having from all those years of attending big wedding ceremonies. What mattered to me the most in that moment is I am now getting married to this amazing human who brings so much magic in my life.

Sequoia trip 2014
Staying and being in love is a conscious choice.

Falling in love and embarking on this adventure with my husband has taught me a great deal about myself and what it is like to wake up next to someone I care deeply about, someone I  love and someone I am attracted to. 

The vows (“to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.”) we exchanged that day we got married is something we choose to uphold every waking day of our lives, together. Aside from the bliss and the passion, there are storms that shakes things up and makes the marriage feel even more real.

There’s a lot of personal growth and evolution that occurs between two people when they decide they want to be in a lasting relationship together. Change is powerful and beautiful in many ways. These are the real gifts that come with being in a relationship with another divine being. For him and I, the key is that we stay together.

In our relationship we outgrow ideas, things, people, and all sorts of manners. We don’t expect each other to stay the same. We embrace the nature of our humanness. We make mistakes and forgive each other. We admire one another’s growth and uniqueness. We fight the good fight. We serve each other. We laugh at our silliest moments and call each other out on our BS. We own and keep conscious of our accountabilities to each other and to the environment we are cocreating both as a couple and as individuals. No matter what life brings us or what each other bring to the table, we stay together as conscious and as present as we can and we go through it together. We enjoy the bliss, the hurt, the growing, the fun, and all that encompasses being in a relationship.

Love is not tiresome, nor is it unmindful. Love is generous. It takes many acts of kindness to wake somebody up from their long slumber of numbness. That is what my husband did for me. And in loving my husband, I learned that love is not elusive. It is quite the opposite, love is abundant and ever present. We are the source of the love we want to create in our lives. We need only to learn to tap into the source. 

There can only be limits to love and loving where we put it.

“Love is not an emotion, it is your very existence.” -Rumi